


Pride can stand a thousand trials

by evakuality



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Canon Era, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-25 11:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16196996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakuality/pseuds/evakuality
Summary: The boy’s lip is beautiful as it curves upwards in a sarcastic smile, and there’s a glint in his eyes that lights them up and asks to be noticed.  But none of that is what actually catches Even’s attention.  No, it’s the very confident way the boy holds himself, master of all he sees.  With Even feeling so uncomfortable and out of sorts, this boy’s natural confidence appeals and Even can’t drag his eyes away.Even's take on what happens with Isak, from the moment he first saw him to the moment he recreates a Romeo and Juliet moment.





	1. First day of school

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kapplebougher](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kapplebougher/gifts).



> For Alina, who is an amazing writer and has been a wonderful friend, and whose birthday it is today (getting close to done in my time, just started in hers). Happy birthday; I hope you like this little thing. I wish I could have done more, because you deserve the world.
> 
> Title from 'Kissing You' by Des'ree, which is the most cheesy thing to do ever, but fits Even and his dramatic self so here we are.
> 
> This is a 5+1 (or, more accurately, a 7+1 because I couldn't contain myself) dealing with canon era situations from Even's PoV. I'm not sure what the weather was like on that first day of school, so if it wasn't as pictured here, imagine this is a slightly alternate universe where it actually was this way.

Even’s fingers are trembling, which would be fine if he could convince himself it’s because the day is freezing and he’s chilled.  Unfortunately, the sun is blazing, his clothes are sticking to him in a way that’s almost unpleasant, and he can feel the slight tingle of an impending burn on the tip of his nose.  So Even can’t fool himself this is from anything but nerves, and it’s pissing him off. He’s faced so many harder things in his life and this is just plain … stupid. It’s just starting a new school, no big deal.  Or it shouldn’t be. And okay, Even is a third year transfer and that’s a little embarrassing.  _ Repeating _ third year, even.  But that’s no reason for his body to betray him like this.  What’s happened to his usual gregarious charm? To his normal ability to sail into any situation and smile his way into everyone’s good graces?  It’s all apparently deserted Even in the face of a tall brick building and wide wooden doors.

Rubbing his hands on his jeans for comfort and some sense of stability, taking a small shallow breath at the scratchy feel of the seams under his fingers, Even squares his shoulders and pushes the door open.  There’s a cacophony on the other side. Students are vibrating with energy, too excited after the break to even try to be quiet. Shoes squeak on the floor, cheerful greetings echo off the walls, and doors bang as people thump through them.  The noise all presses in on Even and makes his head pound. It’s not like he isn’t used to this; Bakka was the same, after all. But back then, Even had friends he could shout out to himself, a team that was louder and more obnoxious than everyone around them.  He fit in. Here, he doesn’t. Here, he’s one single atom at rest in the whirling petri dish of this new school. An atom which has no place in the carefully orchestrated pattern that underlies the seeming chaos.

Pursing his lips and sucking in a deep breath, Even turns his shoulder and carefully pushes through until he gets to the relative peace of the admin corridor.  From the email he was sent the previous week, Even has some idea of places to be and times to be there, but that’s different from actually knowing where the physical spaces are in this giant of a building.  So he politely asks someone in the blessedly calm corridor to help him find at least his first classroom, then makes his way back out into the fray. It’s just as loud and just as overwhelming as it was earlier and Even’s starting to second guess the wisdom of this transfer.

Trying to make any sort of coherent sense of this mass of heaving bodies and delighted yells, Even casts his eyes around.  His attention is snagged by someone who isn’t taking part in the display in front of them either. In the far off corner of the room stands a boy.  He’s distanced himself from the group, his eyes amused as he leans back against a wall and watches the people around him. His blond hair is caught under a snapback but the bits Even can see clearly curl enticingly around his ears.  And okay, yes, Even has eyes enough to acknowledge that he’s fucking attractive, pretty in a way that suits him but that could never be accused of femininity. The boy’s lip is beautiful as it curves upwards in a sarcastic smile, and there’s a glint in his eyes that lights them up and asks to be noticed.  But none of that is what actually catches Even’s attention. No, it’s the very confident way the boy holds himself, master of all he sees. With Even feeling so uncomfortable and out of sorts, this boy’s natural confidence appeals and Even can’t drag his eyes away.

Someone thumps into Even’s back and curses at him as he pushes past, and Even is thrust right back to reality.  He grimaces and moves off towards his class, deciding that locating his locker can wait for another time. As Even makes his way past the spot where the boy was standing, he catches a glimpse of a sunny smile and a loud, almost too-loud, laugh.  A quick glance to the side and Even can see the boy high fiving another one. He looks carefree and determined. It’s a combination that  _ really _ appeals to Even and he shoots the boy one final glance as he makes his way out the door and into the real world of the school.

 

Hours later and it’s lunch time.  Even’s body burns with the exhaustion he feels, sunk bone deep into him.  It’s been one long introduction after another. New people in all his classes, new teachers, new routines.  Even’s head spins with the sheer amount of information he’s trying to shove in it. He sinks wearily into a seat in the cafeteria, one that’s half tucked into a  corner so he can see most of what’s going on but which is private enough to hopefully keep other people at bay. It’s a new and uncomfortable feeling for Even to want to distance himself from new people and new experiences.  But today has been so much that Even shudders at the very idea of further socializing.

A laugh rings out and Even’s head snaps up.  He knows that laugh, which is fucking ridiculous considering he’s heard it exactly once before.  Sure enough, the boy has entered the room surrounded by his friends. They’re all laughing and shoving one guy who has his mouth open and is clearly arguing.  Even smiles. They remind him so much of his old friends, with the way they take up so much space in the world around them. Other people are giving them a wide berth, but the glances they’re getting are fond rather than exasperated.  This is normal, then, and tolerated. It charms Even, almost as much as the boy’s smile and the way he holds himself. He yearns towards the group, even now while he’s so burned out from interacting with so many other new people.

But Even can’t deny that the beauty of the boy draws his attention in particular.  His face is still lit up and he’s smirking. He says something, quiet and intense but clearly cutting, and the boys around him react with a predictable mix of glee and affront, their delight in the comment loud even among the other chatter of the cafeteria.  The target of the boy’s comment howls, the sound carrying even to Even’s corner of the room as they approach a nearby table.

Now that they’re closer, Even can hear the outrage in the guy’s voice as he says, “fuck you, Isak,” and shoves the pretty boy.   _ Isak, _ Even thinks, letting his thoughts drift as the boy’s laugh rings out again.  It’s all been nothing, just some guys teasing each other, but Even feels invigorated again anyway.  Their carefree banter and easy confidence has done what all Even’s own internal pep talks couldn’t: convinced him that he can have a future here.

That’s not to mention the blooming crush he’s already developing.  The boy  _ (Isak) _ is beautiful and appears very confident.  Even is completely taken, falling willingly into this new infatuation.  If he has to be here, and has to repeat a year, Even may as well enjoy it while he does so.  So it’s with a much lighter heart that Even leaves the cafeteria at the end of lunch. Isak and his friends are still throwing good natured insults at each other as they all follow him out, making Even laugh as he goes into the rest of his day.  This transfer thing isn’t going to be as dire as Even had imagined when he stared up at the forbidding building early this morning. In fact, this might even be fun.


	2. In the cafeteria

It hadn’t taken Even many hours of surreptitious watching to work out that Isak isn’t as cool and confident as he’d appeared on that first day at school.  Sure, he grins and makes snarky comments and holds himself with an aloof, even sometimes seemingly arrogant, stance. And sure, Even still finds those qualities devastatingly attractive.  Isak can still draw his eye just by merely being somewhere in the vicinity. But Even is self-aware enough to know that he’s in danger of being even more charmed by the vulnerability Isak hides behind his cocky exterior.  There’s a twist of his lips sometimes, a catch of his breath that hints at a world behind those knowing green eyes.

Even doesn’t generally think of himself as the stalker type, but he can’t help  _ noticing  _ Isak. It’s impossible not to, after all, what with Isak’s still-breathtaking beauty and his general air of attractiveness.  And what Even notices is a happiness that seems only skin deep. Quite why someone like Isak, who appears popular and content, moving through the awkward hell that is high school with seeming surety and confidence, might be unhappy, Even doesn’t know.  But there’s something there that draws Even and makes him take even more note now that he sees it. There’s something that speaks of distance and isolation even when Isak is surrounded by friends.

It’s on full display when Even is sitting in the cafeteria one day a few weeks after classes started.  It’s been long enough since that overwhelming first day that Even’s usual gregariousness has returned to him and his equilibrium restored.  Even has found friends and companionship, people to laugh and joke with. A squad of sorts. So he sits alone today, not because he’s left out, but because his newfound friends are off doing some boring study thing.  He was invited to join them but it sounded deadly dull. And also, Even is willing to admit to himself in the privacy of his own thoughts, because this gives Even ample opportunity to stare without being caught and a great line-of-sight view towards the spot where Isak is sitting with his friends. 

It’s not that Even is keeping an eye on Isak through the whole of lunch (except that he kind of really is), but he is maybe glancing in that general direction occasionally (only occasionally; he’s writing too, small snippets in his sketchbook).  And whenever he does look, Isak seems a little … Even wouldn’t call it  _ un _ happy, exactly, but he definitely doesn’t look genuinely happy either.  His mouth quirks in an easy smile and his body language is its usual study in carefree bro-ness (bro-itude? Bro-something anyway).  But there’s a tightness to his lips and a flicker to his eyes which makes Even think it’s much more of an act that it usually appears.

Even’s just contemplating all the reasons why Isak might feel that way, and envisioning the ways in which he, Even, the master of romance, might sweep in and save the day, pulling Isak onto his trusty steed and protecting him from all perils.  It’s a nice dream, achievable Even thinks, and one that has taken on new nuance after some asshole made a snide comment in passing about Isak’s possible gayness. Of course, it’s a slur Even hears often, an easy target for the less imaginative members of the school.  But there was an edge to the rumor this time, and the comment seemed a lot more targeted than the ones Even usually hears bandied around. Or maybe that’s just Even’s wishful thinking. There are certainly enough rumors about Isak and his ‘player’ ways with girls as well.  It’s just that Even really hopes that Isak might be into boys, so he’s paying more attention to those rumors than maybe he usually does, and could easily be grasping at straws.

“Hey!” a cheerful, high pitched voice says, and Even is startled out of his reverie.  The blonde girl in front of him is looking at him expectantly as if she’s said something to which Even is expected to respond.  He shakes himself, trying to refocus.

“Hi,” he says, smiling at her.  Then his eyes drift towards the girl next to her.  Sana.  _ And _ she’s amused.  Which … that is never a good sign, and Even’s heart freezes in his chest.  Even glances at her, then raises his brows, trying to telegraph that he wants to stay under the radar.  It’s not that he’s embarrassed that he knows  _ her, _ but his connection to her will inevitably lead to his connection to Elias and the other boys and Even is not ready for that kind of scrutiny at this new school with its supposed fresh start.  She sighs, rolls her eyes, but gives a tiny nod. 

Even relaxes and tries to tune back in to the other girl.  It’s not easy. She’s relentlessly cheerful and it’s hard to follow that specific brand of ultra-perkiness in its enthusiasm.  Particularly since Even’s eyes stray back to Isak when they’re left to their own devices. Sana notices, if her smirk is anything to go by.  And wow, Even needs to get himself in check if she’s going to be going around noticing things in this way. She has, after all, got some inkling about how Even feels about boys and could easily figure him out if he’s not careful.

“So you’ll come then?  To Kosegruppa?” the chirpy blonde is saying, and Even has to pull himself together again.  He still hasn’t caught the girl’s name, but he nods benignly. It sounds okay, this kosegruppa thing, so he’s not uninterested even if he’s not desperately keen.  He might check it out, or he might not. Depends how he feels on the day. His apparent interest seems to give the girl heart, because she grins. “Great,” she says.  Even smiles back. He can’t help himself; smiling people make him smile. Even when he feels close to his most shit, Even can find himself smiling if someone near him is this cheerful.  “You’re our first third year,” the girl continues. “You must bring more of them. You’re cool and that would make our group so cozy.”

The idea that he has that sort of clout makes Even laugh and he flicks his eyes towards Isak.  If he was  _ that _ cool, wouldn’t Isak have noticed?  It’s a funny idea until Even notices something himself.  Isak’s eyes are on Even and there’s a  _ look _ in them.  It’s curious, wondering and … maybe even  _ interested. _  It startles Even so much that Isak has noticed him after so long with no hint of anything that he holds that gaze for several seconds, tuning out the perky girl and Sana’s knowing grin despite promising himself just a few seconds ago that he’d be more circumspect.  Isak drops his eyes quickly, but the lingering joy his glance has left in Even makes his heart bounce as does the way Isak glances over again. Even’s attention is pulled back to the girl, who’s demanding a response from him, and by the time he’s able to look again, Isak’s focus has been drawn back to his friends.  But the memory of that glance remains.

The startled, honest look in Isak’s eyes showed very clearly how much of himself he usually keeps hidden.  Even was right before: he’s at great risk of being  _ completely _ charmed now.  That look was so raw and unfiltered and it was so intense, even in such a short time.  Even can’t shake its memory and the promise it held. The promise that maybe Even wasn’t dreaming it.  Maybe the ‘gay’ rumors about Isak are true. And if they are, then … well, then vistas open up. Maybe Even will get to play the knight in shining armor after all.  Maybe Even gets to save the boy from his isolation with some sort of grand romantic gesture. If there’s a niggle starting up about getting too enmeshed in this fantasy while he has a girlfriend, Even squashes it.  Nothing will probably come of this, and in that case it’s all just a harmless crush, right? A fantasy to help Even get through the days ahead.


	3. At kosegruppa

While Even hadn’t been particularly excited about kosegruppa when Sana and her friend first talked to him about it, he’s been mildly interested.  Enough so that when the sign up sheets went up for the various revue groups, he’d taken a cursory look. That mild interest had coalesced into determined focus when he saw a certain person’s name already written firmly on the list.  If Isak’s going, then Even’s damn well going too; here’s a heaven-sent reason to talk to, and interact with, him. A chance to try to get behind that facade Isak keeps up and start the saving-Isak process. The shiver of conscience that reminds him about Sonja starts up again, but Even silences it quickly.  He’s not going to  _ do _ anything about his feelings, after all.  It’s just a chance to get to know someone, someone enigmatic, someone who intrigues Even.  Someone who might just be a friend if Even’s lucky, and who might just enjoy the idea of being a little more free and a little more open.  The ‘Isak might possibly like boys if that look the other day was any indication’ chirping from one side of Even’s brain just adds a certain frisson to any possible encounter.  It doesn’t mean Even’s going to act on anything.

So here he is, taking stock just outside the door to the room they’ve been instructed to meet in.  He’s making a habit of having emotional crises outside doors at this school, Even thinks with a wry smile.  But he can’t help it. He needs to look his very best. He needs to appear casual and confident. He needs Isak to notice him again, and if he doesn’t, well … Even’s not entirely sure what he’s going to do.  Because it’s become a Thing now. Getting Isak to notice him again. So Even takes a deep breath, pushes through the door, and saunters up to the group of girls at the front. Sana is there  _ again, _ and smirking at him  _ again. _  If Even wasn’t so hyperfixated on trying to find Isak, he might be a bit pissed off at the cool assumptions she seems to be making.  That those assumptions are kind of true just makes it all a lot worse. Instead, Even just smiles at the girls, takes one of the buns on offer and looks around.  He’s casual, completely owning this I’m-so-cool-and-way-better-than-you act he’s put on for this occasion. At least, he is until he actually sees Isak. 

Their eyes meet across the room and if Even were inclined to be dramatic he might say that sparks flew, energy crackled and a connection was forged.  It’s a good thing Even’s being  _ cool _ and  _ collected _ today, then, because he manages to force himself over and past Isak and to sit on the seats above him without declaring his undying love.  That makes it a triumphant success, in Even’s opinion. His heart is thumping and his hands are soaked with sweat, but at least Even managed to pull off the casual saunter.  He’ll be seen as the mysterious cool guy if it kills him. He’s not even going to snarl his dislike of the pushy girl who comes to talk to Isak; that wouldn’t fit tonight’s brand.   So Even sits, playing the calm role he’s assigned himself and analyzes everything he sees.  She’s so  _ obvious _ in her attentions and it’s all Even can do to stop himself from jumping in between them just in case Isak likes this sort of thing and is going to fall into  _ her _ arms rather than Even’s.  

He keeps a wary eye on Isak’s body language.  Is he interested? Is there warmth in his voice?  If only Even could see Isak’s face this might all be a little easier, but he can’t.  All he has to go on is the voice, and the way he’s sitting, though  _ that _ doesn’t give much away.  It’s a casual slouch and could indicate any number of things, from being interested in this girl to boredom.  It may be wishful thinking (probably is, Even thinks morosely), but all Even can hear is polite disinterest in Isak’s tone.  The girl doesn’t seem to hear the same thing, though, smiling down at Isak with a happy, open expression. She’s in a better place to know, too, so Even’s probably totally off-base here.  Isak’s probably gazing up at her with that same interest in his eyes that Even saw in the cafeteria. He shakes himself, drags his eyes away. He shouldn’t be paying this much attention anyway.  That’s kind of … impolite, and probably a bit creepy. So, with an effort that is almost Herculean, and which there’s no-one around to appreciate, Even makes himself look around the rest of the room.  Sees Sana’s eyes on him again and winces; seems like he was a little too obvious in his attentions. He blushes, nods at her and makes sure his eyes stay away from Isak until the blonde girl starts talking.  Well, mostly. If his eyes occasionally drift towards Isak of their own accord, that’s not entirely Even’s fault and no-one could blame him, surely. 

Once the meeting is started, things take a turn for the even-more-boring.  Even tunes out, focuses on Isak and notes how bored he, too, seems to be. They have this in common, then.  Even wiles away the time by wondering idly why exactly Isak is here if he’s so clearly and obviously uninterested in the values and goals of this group.  The girl finally winds up her speech before Even can really get his teeth into the juicy thought, and ends with a suggestion of how they can all bond more.  A love exercise sounds  _ very _ promising, Even thinks as he stands and looks down to where Isak is sitting.   _ He _ doesn’t seem all that thrilled by the idea, but Even’s sure he can charm him if he manages to get into a team that includes Isak.  

Confident that he can do this casually, Even makes his way down the steps to the middle of the room.  He looks around, making sure his gaze stays constant in its sweep of the crowd, no hint of a search in the slow-motion moves he makes to spin into place.  He’s ready to smile commiseratingly at Isak when he moves closer. Except. Well, except that Isak has gone. Cursing his decision to appear suave and at-ease for making him turn his back on Isak, Even scans again and more diligently this time, trying to be sure he really isn’t there.  He isn’t. Even can only assume that he’s gone to the bathroom as there aren’t many other places he could be. It’s either that, or he’s left for good, and Even refuses to think about that possibility. So he allows a respectable amount of time before he, too, makes his excuses and slips out the door (Sana is keeping an irritatingly close eye on him and Even doesn’t want her to go getting _ ideas). _

As he pushes the door to the bathroom open, Even cheers internally.  The telltale blasts of a phone’s game-playing pierce the silence. Someone is in here, avoiding the ice breaker activities, and Even can take a shrewd guess at who it is.  Now’s his chance, then, and he needs to make it a good one. It should involve some sort of casually impressive conversation and a pointed hint to come smoke the weed Even has brought along for just such an occasion.  Because one thing he’s learned about Isak and his friends during the last couple of weeks is that they like to smoke, and he’s absolutely going to use any advantage he can get. 

Even’s still making his plans, trying to cultivate his best suave and mysterious facade, when the toilet flushes and the stall door opens.  Isak appears. Their eyes meet, Isak smiles (a small, careful thing) and Even forgets everything he’d been about to do and say. So instead, he finishes washing his hands, then drags out all the paper towels from the dispenser.  Panicking, Even tries to pretend that this was his intention all along. It works, in at least as much as Isak looks baffled rather than turned off. Bafflement is far better than disgust, so this is still salvageable. The towels go into the bin below and Even glances sideways at Isak.  Giving a theatrical shake as if he’s only really just noticed Isak standing there, Even asks if he needs a towel himself, then hands him the least wet one he used. Isak is still silent, his forehead creased in the most beautiful confused expression Even has ever seen, and Even knows he needs to get his plan back on track before he combusts right here in this dismal little school bathroom.

“Come outside,” he says, and then makes himself just … leave.  As if Isak’s face isn’t the most gorgeous thing he’s ever seen.  As if he doesn’t want to fall prostrate on the floor and worship him.  Walking out the door, unsure if Isak will follow, is one of the most nerve wracking things Even has ever done.  He comforts himself that even if this time it doesn’t work, then he can still try again. And no matter what, there’s been a first interaction, as confusing as Isak obviously found it.  There’s a connection, a possibility to say “hey you’re that guy I saw in that bathroom. Kosegruppa, am I right?” Even if Isak doesn’t come, all is not lost. Still, Even would really rather Isak did follow him out.

Even perches on a bench outside and lights the joint as if he was coming here just to smoke alone and only invited Isak on a whim.  It gives him something to do, something to focus on. Because if he focuses on Isak and whether he’s going to come out here too, Even might just die a little.  What the  _ fuck _ was he thinking?  Pulling out all the paper?  That’s not what a cool, mysterious guy would do; that’s what a panicky loser would do.  Which is appropriate, if depressing.

Isak appears.  He’s slouching a little, as if unsure of his welcome.  So Even holds the joint out. Once Isak has taken it and has perched himself next to Even, he clams up.  This is infuriating! Even has the man of his dreams sitting here, smoking his weed and looking so goddam beautiful Even could cry and what does Even do?  Sits there mute like the idiot he is. Where, he moans to himself, is his trademark chatty charm? 

After several frustrating attempts to open his mouth and  _ just say something dammit, _ (and an unfortunately delighted appreciation for the aesthetic of Isak blowing smoke which makes focus difficult), Even finally manages to say, “you know the group leader lady?” which is perhaps the most singularly uninspiring first line to a conversation ever and Even berates himself for his lack of ability to just talk.  It has some impact though. Isak laughs, and the conversations starts. It’s with no small amount of glee that Even manages to get in a dick joke which makes Isak startle.  _ Finally, _ here’s Even’s natural tendency to talk easily coming back to the fore.  Better, Isak apparently takes a moment to realize that Even isn’t serious, and the laughter they share is enough to lighten the thick tension that had been hovering between them.  

By the time the irritating girl comes along and tries to get Isak to join with her in a cooking team, Even’s feeling quite content with the way this evening has gone.  Sure, Isak’s questions are veering rather close to the things Even’s not ready to deal with and, worse, to the idea of Sonja and how he should really be focusing more on her right now.  And sure there have been some long, some might even say awkward, silences that sapped some of Even’s reserves of self-control. But there’s a desire from Isak there, Even can sense it. A desire to know more about Even, a sense that he’s intrigued by Even and that the attempt to appear mysterious has been working.   So, while the girl’s intrusion is annoying, Even can take it with a degree of equanimity.  Even thinks (hopes?) that her infatuation isn’t going to get her anywhere. Her insistence on joining their partnership is annoying, but Even feels reasonably secure that  _ Isak _ isn’t interested in  _ her. _  This one person’s extra presence  _ (any _ other person’s presence, if Even was being entirely honest) is unwelcome and has put an unwanted dampener on the nascent conversation with Isak, but Even’s pretty sure he can manage another meeting with Isak some day.  One that doesn’t include this girl.

And in the meantime, sitting on the bench in awkward silence, Even thinks about Sonja and what he needs to do about her.  Because, as much as he promised himself he wouldn’t do anything about his feelings, it’s becoming a lot harder now to be able to guarantee that.  Sitting next to Isak, and feeling his body heat, Even  _ wants. _  And even if Isak doesn’t want back, well … Even shouldn’t really be entertaining these thoughts while Sonja is still such a thing in his life.  He needs to be making some decisions, big ones, and probably sooner rather than later.


	4. In the schoolyard

Even is unfortunately devoid of ideas when it comes to repeating his interactions with Isak.  With Emma sitting right there next to Isak at kosegruppa, and all the awkwardness she’d injected right back into the situation , Even had managed to forget all his plans to actually make a meaningful contact.  Like a reasonable request for a phone number, you know … to do the pair baking thing.  But oh no, Even didn’t do that because he was trying to wish this extra person away from his happy Isak-bubble with his (apparently non-existent) mind powers.  And now he can’t just march up to Isak and demand his number; that wouldn’t fit the image Even’s trying so hard to project of cool sophisticated suaveness, rather than panicked anxious crushing.  

So the unfortunate outcome is the fact that trying to get Isak’s attention again is proving a lot more difficult than Even had expected.  In his deepest, wildest fantasies, Even had assumed that once first contact was initiated, everything else would fall effortlessly into place.  Unfortunately, the universe doesn’t seem to be on board with those plans. The universe seems to think Even needs to work harder if he wants to know Isak better, which is frankly unfair and discriminatory if you ask him.

So he has taken to haunting the areas of the school in which he has seen Isak in the past in the hopes of casually running into him.  It doesn’t work. Isak is infuriatingly and suddenly absent from every area in which Even has ever seen him. The foyer of the school?  Nope. The cafeteria? Not likely. The corridors by the classrooms? Not a sign. The lockers? A wasteland. It’s depressing, is what it is.  Even hadn’t realized just how much he was relying on those sightings of Isak until they’re not happening anymore.

After a few agonizing days like this, Even decides he has to change his tack.  Being over-eager hasn’t done anything for his plans, so maybe he should go back to being the cool, mysterious guy.  That at least has piqued Isak’s attention in the past, and allowed Even to make some headway in his attempts to charm him.  So Even begins planning, learning from the way his last attempt at a plan went astray in his panic over actually being in Isak’s presence.  This time, the plans are detailed to the very last degree. It gives Even a headache, since planning has never been his forte exactly and he’s always preferred to ride on the seat of his pants.  But it’s important and when something’s  _ this _ important, Even is willing to go against his natural inclinations.  

So he arms himself.  Pulls on his best, skinniest jeans.  The jacket that sits most effortlessly on his shoulders.  Styles his hair even more aggressively than usual. Tucks a cigarette behind his ear, readies his sunglasses.  Even gets himself into position just beside the schoolyard, because everyone comes through there at some point.  Then he waits. And waits. And waits. Isak doesn’t come through before school. He doesn’t come through during the first break.  It’s looking depressingly as though all Even’s efforts in planning the perfect scenario have come to nothing. He slinks off to class thoroughly discouraged, but resolves to try one last time to make that impression.

He’s not overly convinced when he takes up his position beside the yard at lunchtime, but Even isn’t letting his best jeans and most amazingly styled hair to go to waste, not when he has one final chance to shine.  He scans the ground; it’s mostly empty and his heart sinks. All that trouble and he  _ still  _ doesn’t get to see Isak.  But then his eyes snag on a snapback and his heart skips a beat as his chest warms.   And okay, Isak’s not the only one who wears snapbacks at this school, but there can’t be that many people who also have hair that curls out from under one in that specific way.  Nor are there many who would stop and talk to that Vilde person from kosegruppa. 

So Even takes his opportunity.  He looks over at the guys he’s cajoled into position on the opposite side of the yard, and raises his brows.  They nod, clearly amused, and Even starts walking. He imagines it all perfectly, how the sun hits him, lighting up his face and (hopefully) highlighting his best features.  In his head he hears an epic soundtrack, forces himself to keep pace with the steady beat. He times it all perfectly, thinks that with just one more stride he can do the casual glance around.  Okay, maybe one more. Yes, that one extra pace allows Even to hit the mark he’s carefully assigned, so he moves, turns his head to look to his side, right to the spot where maybe-Isak is standing.  He does it as slowly as he can and blessedly, the universe seems to approve this time. Because right as Even turns fully, the crowd that’s gathered separates enough so that Even can look straight into Isak’s eyes as he looks up.

To Even’s delight, Isak blinks, catches Even’s glance, blinks again.  He looks like he’s caught in a trance, an Even-related trance, but Even can’t let himself enjoy it.  Not yet. He returns his gaze to the front, makes himself focus on the boys he’s heading towards. But inside he’s dancing with glee.  There was even more interest in Isak’s expression this time than in the cafeteria. Even hasn’t been imagining any of this stuff, after all.  Still, he’s got Isak’s attention; he can’t ruin it with any stupid embarrassing slip ups, not now. So as he approaches his boys, he grabs out the sunglasses he prepared earlier and sits down as casually as he can next to the guys while he slips the glasses on.

“Did you manage to impress whoever it was you were after?”

“Yeah, that was the most ridiculous display I’ve ever seen; I hope she’s worth it.”

They’re teasing him, and Even flushes, hoping Isak can’t see it from this distance.

“Fuck you,” he says, as he flicks his eyes in Isak’s direction, trying to see if he still has his attention.  Under cover of the dark glasses, Even can risk this small amount of contact without fear of being caught ogling.   Unfortunately, while it seems Isak’s eyes had indeed been on Even even now, Emma has managed to get in between them again.  Her persistence might be admirable, Even thinks, berating himself for his own reticence, if it wasn’t so damn effective in interfering in Even’s plans.  He turns to his boys while trying to keep an eye on the group with Isak out of the corner of his eye. Isak’s attention is wholly focused back onto the people he’s with and Even sighs sadly.

Still, Even got one thing out of this little experiment: Isak noticed him again, meaning Even is on his radar.  Anxious that he’s missed his chance by trying to come off as cool and interesting, however, Even resolves to do even better next time.  This was a good start, he thinks. But now he needs to find a way to have another actual conversation. Emma’s managing that side of things just fine, and watching them, Even thinks he’s going to have to step up his game.  Because, who knows; Isak might actually  _ like _ persistent people who actually manage to talk to him.  Even might be losing opportunities to someone else just because she has the nerve to approach Isak directly.  The mere idea makes his heart sink. What’s the point in being seen a certain way if it means you’re too slow and fumble the opportunities that come your way?  He’s going to have to try for a real connection, and soon.


	5. On the tram

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am reliably informed by my Norwegian guru that: "Technically, that shop doesn't have beer. So, either Even didn't know that, and bluffed, or he did know and bluffed even more. Or, more likely, NRK didn't care about that detail." So in deciding what to do with this one, I decided to go with NRK world, where this shop does, in fact, sell beer. So ... uh, there's another small moment of au-ness for this fic :)

Even had good intentions, he really did.  He was going to approach Isak again after the success of the courtyard manoeuvre.  Okay, Even might be defining success as ‘met his eyes again’ rather than what would have been actually successful, ‘having another conversation’ but it’s still a win.  Of sorts. Unfortunately, life intervened before Even could capitalize on that success. It’s still early in the year, and yet his teachers have insisted on piling on the work.  Apparently, third years should be used to putting in more effort or something. So it is that Even doesn’t emerge from under the pile of readings and other such boring school stuff that he has to do for a couple of days.  A couple of wasted days!  Days in which Emma, or anyone else who’s interested, (because let’s be real, Even thinks, who  _ wouldn’t _ be interested?) could be working her magic on Isak.   Days in which Even has had zero luck in spotting Isak in the small moments of free time he’s actually had.  He’s deeply regretting not getting that number now; he could have casually texted and asked to meet to do kosegruppa stuff.  But now he can’t even use that ready made excuse.

Even ends up standing on the tram home on Friday, mournfully contemplating the bridge of time since he last had any meaningful contact with Isak (time which can be measured in actual  _ days _ rather than mere hours which is criminal), when an opportunity is thrown into his lap.  Or … pushed into his orbit anyway. Sadly, no actual laps are involved. Isak’s standing right there in front of him, head buried in his phone and an intense frown on his forehead.  He’s so fucking beautiful that Even almost misses the chance, he’s staring so much. But then reason reasserts itself, or rather Even’s tongue takes on a mind of its own (for which Even is deeply thankful once his brain catches up), and he finds himself greeting Isak.

“Halla!”  

Even’s voice is actually confident and he congratulates himself on how well he’s doing at this ‘staying cool and mysterious’ thing.  Then there’s the satisfying speed with which Isak snaps his head up to look at Even. 

Isak’s responding, “halla,” is accompanied by the most delightful head ducks and shy looks Even has ever had the pleasure of seeing.  It makes something flip in his chest and heat flood his body. While crowing internally at how amazing it feels when Isak looks at him like  _ that, _ Even finds himself once again tongue tied and awkward.  The conversation is short and inane, and Isak is almost immediately lost in his phone once more, deep in concentration over whatever it has to say.   Feeling lost for words once again after several long moments of painful silence (and why is it that this boy has that effect on him, Even wonders, when no-one else ever does?), Even eventually manages to make Isak laugh, even if it is only briefly, by pointing out how fucking exciting the conversation is.  But it’s not long after that before they’re both back to silence and Isak’s frowning at his phone again. 

Even’s almost given up, sure that his conversational skills, which are usually excellent if he does say so himself, are just not up to scratch when it comes to Isak.  But then, Isak’s looking at him, his eyes bright and inquisitive, contemplating something and he’s asking if Even can get him some beer. Which … of fucking  _ course _ he can.  Even’s not going to let this new chance to spend time together fly past him.  If Isak wants beer and needs Even to help with that, then Even is damn well going to play that role.

They walk, side by side, to the shop Even knows has beer.  It’s close to his home and Even may have visited once or twice in the past when he’s wanted a little something and needed to keep it quiet.  His parents and Sonja are always so invested in what Even’s drinking and how much, so this shop is something of a safe haven for him. Even knows Isak isn’t going to understand the significance of that, but it’s there all the same.  They’re mostly silent, the only conversation an awkward exchange of numbers ‘for kosegruppa stuff,’ after which Even has to forcibly prevent his legs from doing a victory dance. It’s even harder during this quiet walk they’re doing, because Even’s mind is whirling in an excited dance of its own and his feet really want to follow suit.  

Under normal circumstances that silence would worry Even; he’s still not used to this damn quiet sort of togetherness that Isak seems to be so much at home in.  But today it’s allowing him to hatch a plan. He can’t let Isak go, not now that he finally has him within arm’s reach again, and Even thinks he might be able to grease this conversation a little if he can only get Isak to his weed stash.  So he takes a gamble when they reach the shop.

“There’s beer here?” Isak asks dubiously, and Even doesn’t blame him.  It’s not a big shop, and it doesn’t look much like it would be well stocked, but he knows this place and he knows they genuinely will have some beer, if only a little.  He nods, a short sharp motion of his head, hoping Isak won’t figure out what Even’s about to do.

“You’ll wait here, yeah?  I’ll just duck in and get some.”

To his relief, Isak nods.  His head is back in his phone again and Even laughs to himself as he wonders if Isak ever looks up from it.  It makes this part easier, though. Even walks twice around the small shop, keeping a wary eye on Isak through the door while he does so.  His eyes remain steadfastly on his phone and Even lets his breath out in a careful whistle, nods once at the proprietor, and then exits.

“I managed to forget my ID and need to go home to get it,” he lies.  Then for good measure, he adds, “join me?” before walking off again, acutely aware of the ID burning a hole in his wallet.  It’s the second most nerve-wracking thing Even has ever done. This time, though, he thinks Isak will probably follow. In part because Even thinks he’s caught his interest, piqued his sense of mystery.  But also because Isak seems really desperate for that beer, and without Even’s ID he’s not likely to get it. 

So Even keeps walking, hears Isak’s footsteps behind him and relaxes, though he doesn’t break his step.  Whatever the rest of the afternoon brings, Even knows he has his man, at least for the next few minutes. And, based on past experience, he does hold great hope that the weed Even knows he has at home will serve to keep Isak by his side, with the beer (and whatever he wanted it for) hopefully long forgotten.  Even has a few hours, after all, before he expects Sonja and the others. That’s plenty of time to figure out what Isak thinks and wants. He might even manage to find out for sure if Isak is into boys or not, or into Even at least. And if so … well, maybe then Even can finally get up the courage to break things off with Sonja.  

Ignoring the tiny voice that tells him this is a coward’s way out, Even lengthens his strides, desperate to get home and get Isak behind a door and hopefully get him more comfortable.  Because all of the looks and the stilted conversations have only done so much. They’ve given Even a sense that Isak’s intrigued by him. But he has no way of knowing how far that intrigue goes.  Until he knows that, Even’s at an impasse. He can’t bring himself to leap away from Sonja if there’s nothing to leap to. And as cowardly as that probably is, Even’s not capable of making himself do it.  Not after last year and how badly everything turned out then. Without Sonja he might not be here today. So he can’t move away from her until he knows rather than just suspects.

It seems like something of a sign when Even pushes open the door and calls out into a silent apartment.  He has Isak to himself now as the door swings shut behind them. They’re alone, with no Emma or anyone else about to interrupt, not for a long time.  A vista opens up and Even relaxes. Hopefully here, in his own space, Even can manage to charm this boy. He has hours after all, and weed. He can do this.


	6. Making cheese toasties

Even’s head is swimming, and okay, technically that’s probably because he’s high as fuck.  The weed he’s shared with Isak went straight to his head and he has found it hard to be particularly coherent for the last half an hour at least.  But Even’s also sure that the effect is due at least in part to Isak. He’d been right; the weed had loosened Isak’s tongue and they’d laughed and talked easily for what seemed like forever but was in reality probably just a couple of hours.  It didn’t matter how long it’d been, really; what mattered was the feeling. And that might be some seriously high thought talking, but that doesn’t make it untrue.

Because that feeling had been amazing, still _ is _ amazing, Even thinks as he moves around his kitchen getting food ready for Isak.  There were looks, not the shy almost-looks of the past, but real ones. Meaningful ones.  Ones that made Even’s insides combust every time he caught one from Isak. And maybe it was the weed, or maybe it was the length of uninterrupted time they’d spent together today, but those looks are getting bolder, more deliberate with every passing minute.  It’s heady and makes Even’s heart race every time he lets his own gaze brush against Isak’s. It’s there every time Even glances at Isak while he gets the cheese ready for the toasties he’s making: a sense of promise, of hope for the future. Even is almost giddy with the feelings that swamp him every time he sees Isak’s eyes fixed so firmly on his own face.  His knees go weak and his hands tremble a little. It’s almost too much, after the less than fantastic encounters they’ve had previously, to get so much attention on Even in such an intense way.

This is good, though, and Even is loving every moment of it.  They’ve been teasing each other, Even gently roasting Isak’s fudging when asked about Nas, and Isak laughing at Even’s sweaty cheese, and making terrible puns about it as he sits perched on Even’s counter with the sun lighting him from behind like some sort of artistic angel, making him the most beautiful thing Even has ever seen.  In that moment, all Even wants to do is reach out and touch Isak, brush at the curls that sit under his snapback, run his fingers along the line of his jaw. Feel that skin shivering underneath his fingertips. But he can’t, and he knows he can’t. There’s the tiny problem of his girlfriend and all that she represents. So Even bustles away, removes himself from the temptation and offers Isak a beer.

Which ...  _ shit. _  If there’s anything guaranteed to remind Isak that he has somewhere else to be it’s fucking beer.  But all Even can do is brazen it out, act as if this is perfectly normal and maybe Isak will forget that they came here for ID to buy beer for him.  Even’s heart is hammering and his palms are sweaty (like cheese, he thinks irrelevantly), when he hands over the beer, but Isak doesn’t seem to notice.  Just repeats his “cheers” as Even taps their bottles together. Relieved, Even keeps going. Makes the toasts, adds far too many herbs and spices at Isak’s behest.  Alarmingly, Even isn’t even concerned that he’ll do pretty much anything Isak asks of him, including making the most disgusting looking cheese toasties known to man.  He doesn’t really want to investigate that thought too deeply, because if he does Even thinks he’s probably going to figure out that he’s completely fucked and that the sense that he has any control here is just a mirage.  

There’s something inevitable in the way “there’s no turning back now” seems almost like a promise.  It’s like everything has been leading to this moment since Even first saw Isak lounging against that wall on the first day of school.  And that, Even groans to himself, might just be the most cheesy thing he’s ever thought, particularly considering how useless Even’s other attempts at communication have been since that day.  But it doesnt change the weight the moment seems to hold, a weight Even tries to play down as he turns to put the toasties in the oven even as Isak agrees. Because, as much as this feels right, Even can’t dismiss the tiny thought that he’s not being fair right now, that Isak has no idea that Even isn’t as free as he might seem.

It’s so easy and so comfortable, talking with Isak and laughing with him, eating the toasties, laughing about rapping skills and beat boxing, that Even has all but forgotten that Sonja is due to appear in the not so distant future.  He’s pushed her so far out of his mind that it’s a shock when the doorbell rings. 

“Fuck!” he says, “what’s the time?”

It aches a little to see Isak casually check his phone as if this isn’t all about to come crashing down.  All those glances and  _ looks, _ all of those will become weapons soon.  Because Even isn’t blind and he knows Isak is probably interested.  There was a quality in those looks that had told Even everything he needed to know.  And now …  _ fuck, _ now, Sonja’s going to ruin it.  Even makes his way to the door trying desperately to figure out what to do when they meet, with his heart slamming unpleasantly in his chest and a return of the breathless anxiety that plagued him that first day of school.  Even wants Isak to stay, selfishly wants to keep on seeing that light in his eyes. And yet, that’s bullshit really, because any minute now that soft excitement Even can feel every time Isak looks at him is going to disappear.  

Not to mention how Sonja is going to react; she’s not stupid either, and she always knows when Even gets a Thing into his head.  There have been enough comments over the last week or so, and enough pointed questions, that Even’s pretty sure Sonja knows  _ something  _ is going on, even if she doesn’t really know what.  But it’s not going to take much for her to figure this one out; she’s suspicious enough as it is.  And now here they are, those two things that mean the most to Even, his girlfriend’s stability and comfort and Isak’s newness and excitement: about to crash headlong into each other.  And there’s nothing Even can do to avoid it. His skin itches and his hands are not really obeying him as he opens the door to Sonja and the others. She grins up at him, her face alight as she enters.  

Panicking, Even focuses his attention on her once they’re in his bedroom.  He feels all the guilt of how much he’s enjoyed this afternoon, of how much he’s fallen under Isak’s spell, and if he’s not careful Even’s worried Sonja may sense that guilt thrumming through him .  He can’t bring himself to look at Isak, either.  Can’t allow himself to see whatever is in that face, not after the brief glimpse he caught as Isak took in the word Even just said.  Girlfriend. There’s a lot of guilt Even’s feeling about Isak, too; guilt that he’s been deeply unfair to him today, and that he’s going to see it all in that face if he lets himself look.  That one brief glimpse had already shown the blank despair that was slipping into his expression. More importantly, Even can’t let Sonja see Isak either. Because one thing Even has learned is that Isak isn’t very good at hiding his feelings; they sit stark on his face no matter what it is that he’s feeling.  And right now, Even’s afraid that he will give them both away. So he talks to Sonja, teases her, kisses her senseless. It works, to an extent. She certainly stays focused on Even, which was the main point.

Isak fidgets behind them; Even’s so hyper aware of his presence that he can see him out of the corner of his eye and hears the small shuffles as Isak moves restlessly.  So it’s not a surprise that once the kissing is over and they’re all standing around kind of awkwardly, Isak makes his excuses. It’s not a surprise but it stabs at Even anyway.  This wasn’t how this was supposed to go, but everything Even has been dithering over is becoming obvious now. He has to talk with Sonja, and soon. Because there’s no way that Even ever wants to see that look on Isak’s face again, not if Even has any way of preventing it.


	7. At the kollektiv

Isak’s departure had put something of a dampener on Even’s evening last Friday, and left an awkward silence echoing around the apartment until Eskil had made some small comment on Sonja’s new job and they had been able to salvage something of the pregame.  The only consolation in Isak leaving had been that he’d somehow rushed away so fast he’d left his snapback behind. No, that’s a lie. The other consolation was that Sonja didn’t seem to have noticed anything amiss in terms of Even’s behavior, for which Even should be thankful.   But instead he was a little anxious, waiting for it to happen, wondering when she  _ would _ notice and figure it all out. So Isak’s abrupt departure had been both blessing and curse.  Blessing because Even hasn’t had to have that conversation with Sonja yet. Curse, because he didn’t get to spend more time with Isak and maybe soothe the distance Even knows he put between them.   Still, there  _ was _ that snapback, and if Even had kept it for a few days longer than he really needed to, well … he just hadn’t seen Isak around, okay.  It wasn’t because he wanted to wear it to feel close to Isak or anything.

Technically, Even knows he could have just picked up his phone and texted, but there was some part of him that had insisted on handing the hat over in some sort of grand romantic gesture.   That and Even had wanted to see Isak’s face, wanted to check how he was because without that, Even couldn’t be sure he hadn’t damaged everything between them when he’d forgotten that his own damn girlfriend was about to interrupt their time together.  That waiting had been the right choice was made obvious when Even had finally managed to track Isak down with his friends. The deer-in-headlights look on his face wasn’t great, sure, but there was something else. Isak didn’t seem to be holding a grudge, and there was a shared sense of secrecy and connection.  Isak had begged with his eyes, desperately trusting that Even wouldn’t expose him, and Even had been happy to play along, even if he hadn’t been entirely sure what exactly he was supposed to be helping Isak hide from. Because if Isak is still okay enough with Even to trust that he’d have his back, well … then Even might not have ruined everything after all.

So it is that he’s standing here today, taking a deep breath before knocking on the door of Isak’s home.  Without that confirmation from Wednesday, Even’s not sure he’d have had the courage to come here tonight. As it is, he’s still consumed with nerves. Sonja is by his side and Isak is behind that door, and they’re going to be meeting again which could lead to another of Even’s spectacular fuck ups (he’s getting alarmingly good at them these days).  

“What are you waiting for?” Sonja’s voice is enough to snap Even out of it, and he grins down at her.

“Just trying to make a dramatic entrance,” he says and she giggles.

“Dork.”

And that’s enough to propel him through the door and into the cheerful atmosphere of the pregame.  As he greets the girls at the doorway (including Sana, which is just … another level of stress he hadn’t counted on as she keeps her shrewd eyes on him), Even looks around as surreptitiously as he can.  It takes him a moment or so to spot Isak and when he does he groans (internally of course; he can’t have either Sonja or Sana figuring him out).  Emma is sitting snuggled with with him, and Even doesn’t know if he can compete with that.  There’s a relaxed flirtation about the way they are together that sinks Even’s heart to his knees.

There’s a moment of hope, an internal burst of glee, when Isak’s attention is dragged away from Emma as if there’s a magnet drawing him towards Even.  Their gazes lock and if it wasn’t really cheesy to think, Even would say that time stopped, or they fell into their own tiny world or something meaningful like that.  Except, it seems Isak doesn’t feel the same way because he very deliberately looks away, takes a swig of beer and then leans in to kiss Emma. The pained dropping of Even’s heart probably serves him right, he thinks.  If Isak felt anything like the same way last week then Even can’t blame him for taking revenge, or trying to prove himself or whatever the fuck is going on here. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, though. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to try to do something about this shitty feeling.

Even doesn’t even think, just kisses Sonja’s cheek and leaves her to chat with Sana and the Vilde person, then makes his way towards Isak.  As if  _ he’s _ the one drawn by a magnet now.  It’s awkward again when he sits; Isak is back to his old wary glances and the difference between this Isak and last Friday’s version sits there crushing Even’s chest and making him feel snappish.   Worse, Emma is chattering and making shitty generalizations as if she has any sort of clue.  Even makes pointed comments to counter her assertions (probably not the most chill ones, Even is willing to admit, because of his damn jealousy).  But what he really wants to do, is actually just to push her off the couch and slide closer to Isak .  Isak, whose face and body language has shut down a lot now that Even’s nearby, which adds another level of suckitude to this experience.  Then Emma drags Isak away and it’s all Even can do not to grind his teeth in frustration. If only Even had been brave enough to leave Sonja already, or if only she hadn’t come tonight.  Or Emma hadn’t. Or ‘if only’ any one of several other scenarios that don’t end up with Even sitting alone on a couch and watching Isak dancing with someone else.

Part of Even tells him to give it up.  Isak has clearly decided to focus on Emma; his eyes are on her and his attention has narrowed to her face with no second glance for anything, or anyone, else.  Even scowls before he can stop himself, but quickly rearranges his face into a blinding smile when Sonja comes to take his hand. It feels stiff and unnatural on his face, but she doesn’t seem to notice.  She’s been drinking a little already, Even can tell. Either that, or she’s sensed something is amiss, because she’s dancing in close, tilting her head to his, letting her nose slide along his own. Kissing him, her hands possessive in his hair and her body as tight to his as she can get.  Even responds; he can’t prevent himself. It’s always been good, this. The way they work together, easy and sensuous, the envy of many other couples. But even though his body does what it always does, Even’s mind isn’t focused on Sonja.

He can’t keep his thoughts away from Isak, even though he’s been getting some really obvious signals tonight.  Those signals have been clear; there’s been a general ‘fuck off’ vibe to them. But Even consoles himself with the idea that underneath there seemed to be a vulnerability,  a sense that Isak wants Even to  _ think _ he’s moved on.  Not necessarily that he really  _ has. _  Not with Emma anyway; there still hasn’t been any sign from Isak towards  _ her _ that was as intense as the way he’s always looked at Even.  Not that Even’s seen anyway. 

Even chances a glance over at them while Sonja is still kissing him and his insides fire up at the sight.  Even though he’s kissing Emma, Isak’s looking at him, at  _ them _ while they kiss _ , _ his eyes wide and helpless.  Isak’s lips stall, losing focus and precision, and kissing Emma seeming to be far from his mind.  Instead, his eyes are fixed on Even and there’s something electric in that gaze. Even has to force himself back into the moment, back into his own kiss, because otherwise Sonja will notice and she’ll  _ know _ and Even can’t let that happen.  Isak’s gaze remains fixed in his memory, though, and his own rhythm is thrown off.  His body doesn’t move with the ease it did just a few moments ago.

It’s a relief, then, when the music is finally shut down a few minutes later and Eva and Eskild are suddenly bustling around trying to organize everyone into groups for the taxis which are apparently due any minute.  Even watches while Isak gathers up empty cans, cups and bottles, hopelessly endeared by the way he’s so earnest as he does it. His brow is creased, and he keeps his eyes fixed on his job (except, Even notes with a heady delight, for the fleeting moments when he raises them to watch Even).  Sonja and Emma are suddenly best of friends, which makes very little sense to Even. They just met, there’s a huge age difference and yet they hit it off. Or maybe he’s just jealous of the ease with which they fell into a companionable friendship, wishing he’d been able to do that with Isak sooner.

“So, we’ll go in one taxi then?  You and Even, and me and Isak?” Emma’s asking now and Sonja is laughing, nodding.  She doesn’t suspect then, Even thinks, and he should be filled with relief but instead it’s an impending sense of dread that swamps him.  He watches as Emma bounces over to Isak, her face filled with a pleased joy. They talk and Isak shakes his head. Her face drops a little but she shrugs as she makes her way back to Sonja.

“He says he’s going to bike,” she says.  “Wants to finish cleaning.”

There’s clear disdain in her voice, as if she doesn’t understand why anyone would choose to clean over going to a party.  But this is the chance Even has been waiting for; if he was really as into Emma as he’s been trying to imply then surely Isak would jump at the chance to leave now and squeeze into a taxi with her?  Hoping that he’s right, taking the risk anyway, Even slaps his head as they almost make it out the door.

“Oh shit, that’s right,” he says.  “I promised I’d help.”

Sonja looks at him in bewilderment.  “You said you’d help clean up?”

“Yeah.  It’ll be faster that way, and we can bike together.  Meet you there sooner.” He grins down at her, kisses her cheek, tries to look as innocent as he can as if this is a reasonable idea, as if staying here really will mean they’ll see each other sooner.  She’s still looking at him mutinously, probably trying to figure out if he’s becoming manic, when Eva’s voice gets even more strident in insisting they have to get in the taxis  _ right now _ , and Sonja is pulled away by Emma who seems eager to get to the actual party.

By the time the apartment is left in blessed silence, Isak has disappeared.  Even makes his way into the kitchen, pauses for a moment to admire Isak’s back as he works.  He seems low, despondent, his body language that of defeat and exhaustion, and Even wants to change that, to make him laugh.  Of course, before any of that can happen, Even has to deal with the giant elephant sitting in the room, taking up space between them.  So he talks, spins as outrageous tale as he can, of Sonja and why he can’t leave her. If it has some parallels to why  _ he’s _ so reliant on Sonja, well … that’s just a coincidence.

“You’re joking?” Isak finally stutters.  “You’re fucking joking?” And it’s as if a light has flipped inside of him.  His face has been so thoughtful and serious, drinking in this tale of woe with such innocent acceptance, that Even had carried on well past the point where he should probably have stopped.  And now .. well, now Isak’s smiling, annoyed but not genuinely so, eyes rolling but with a soft fond undertone that has set Even’s fingertips ablaze with the need to caress that expression. This is the Isak Even had last Friday.  This is an Isak Even might still have a chance with. 

He moves closer, teasing Isak, pretending this is just a casual thing, two guys sharing a joke.  When instead it’s so much more. It’s two guys trying to figure each other out. Even moves closer until there’s no breath between them, until Isak has stopped laughing and is staring at the floor.  Until he feels the needs to raise the question that sits between them.

“She’s sweet,” he says.  “Sonja.”

And Even nods.  Because he’s right.  She is. But she’s so much more than that, and so much less.  She’s not here and Even doesn’t actually want to think about her.  He wants to dive into this boy. Wants to taste the pink on his cheeks and slip his hands under the black of his t-shirt.  Wants to find out if what he thinks is happening here is really happening.

It’s all promise between them and Even’s breath is caught.  It’s here, his chance. It’s here to take. Isak’s not shying away, no matter how slowly Even moves, no matter how long Even stares at his bowed head, trying to decipher what he wants.  Isak’s not stopping him, not like … well. Anyway. Isak is, in fact, turning his head, moving toward him. His heart beating a terrified rhythm in his chest, Even moves closer still. Their lips are so close, their hearts are in sync; Even can hear Isak’s in the staccato breaths he’s taking as they slide so close, breaths mingling.  Time stills, and it feels like no time and yet forever before they’re close enough that Even can let himself think  _ yes, this is happening. _

Then a crash pulls them apart and the magic is lost.  Time resumes and Even follows Isak into the living room, into the path of a beautiful girl with sad eyes and terrible timing.


	8. Missing a Halloween party

It’s been a long week since Even had to leave Isak’s apartment.  The girl who’d interrupted what was about to be one of the best moments of Even’s life had flustered Isak so much with her appearance that he’d sent Even one or two terrified glances and then leaped into action finding her a place on the couch to sleep.  Even had taken one look at the chaos, grinned at Isak, then made a hasty exit all while exclaiming  _ fuck, fuck, why did she have to come now?  Fuck, _ to himself.  It had been cathartic, if not particularly helpful.  But the main thing, the important thing, the thing Even was clinging onto, was that Isak had been going to kiss Even.  There was no ‘I wonder if’ there; just pure plain ‘yep we’re gonna kiss,’ and that’s a fucking amazing thing for Even. When his last attempt had ended so disastrously, the knowledge that Isak was into it and was going to do it too, apparently  _ wanted _ to do it too … well, a small interruption is a minor price to pay.

Since then, Even had been planning his next move.  And again, yes, he could just use his phone and text Isak, but where’s the fun in that?  Where’s the joy of the chase? Where’s the deeper connection? Where’s the ability to look at Isak, hear his voice and maybe see those little signs confirming the way he feels?  So Even had planned carefully. Or reasonably carefully, plotting out Isak’s movements during the day and figuring out exactly when the best time to talk to him would be. What Even should suggest as their next get together is something he’s been a little stuck on, but kosegruppa stuff maybe.  That’s safe and easy and involves plausible deniability. But then Even had spotted the invites for the Halloween party and it had all slotted into place. 

It’s not easy to look cool and confident, suave and collected, when your palms are itchy with fear and sweat and your heart is thundering so much you can’t hear anyone speaking.  But Even likes to think he’s a decent enough actor that he can pull it off, and as he makes his way towards Isak’s locker, he consoles himself with the idea that he’s definitely not alone in this, that Isak  _ had _ wanted to kiss Even too. It had been so clear in the way his lips had shivered so close to Even’s own for that brief second.  Which means that, if they carry on down this path, at some point Isak is probably going to find out Even’s not the suave mystery man he’s been trying to portray.  And it would probably be better for that to happen sooner rather than later because then at least Isak would know what he’s getting into. Still, Even’s not particularly keen for that to happen before he’s actually had those lips on his own, so he’s trying to maintain the image if he possibly can.

Endearingly, Isak is struggling with his locker when Even approaches.  It won’t open and his attempts are both cute and seemingly ineffectual.  It settles Even, seeing Isak doing something so normal, looking frustrated, getting pissed off.  So he’s able to lean casually against the locker beside his and ask if he’s going to the party.

“No.  Or … maybe? I don’t know...  Are you?” Isak stumbles over the words, and Even can’t help the traitorous upsurge in affection that creates.  He smiles, can’t help the slight twinge of his lips. 

“We’ll pregame together then,” Even says.  He means, and he hopes Isak hears it, that he wants Isak, wants to go to the party with him, wants to be there as a date even if he can’t acknowledge it.  The way Isak smiles back at him, his eyes alight and his face relaxed and vibrant, suggests he hears the hidden meaning. Exuberant, bubbling inside, Even thumps Isak’s locker and walks off.  He can’t resist it, the grand gesture. He’d give a lot to see Isak’s face right now, but he can’t contain his own. The facade of coolness is slipping and Even needs to get out of there so he doesn’t collapse with glee and ruin every shred of the reputation he’s so carefully built for himself over the last few weeks.

 

It’s all culminated in this, all Even’s planning.  Unfortunately. Sonja had weasled the plan out of Even and he’d been so panicked he hadn’t managed to put her off or shut her out.  Then, because they really are apparently BFFs now, Sonja had dragged Emma into it and so here they all are. The four of them. Even sits by Sonja, seething internally.  Okay, from where he’s sitting he’s in the perfect position to look at Isak, and that view is, if possible, even more beautiful than ever. That damn golden halo thing sits on his hair, frames his face in a way that makes it look more angelic than Even’s ever seen it, and sets off his eyes against the red of the cloth that’s draped casually over his shoulder.  Even flushes when he remembers his text.  _ I hope you don’t look like a nerd in your costume. _  This here’s his punishment for that.   _ Even’s _ the one who looks like a giant loser, while Isak looks stunning.  

Anyway, it’s not exactly difficult to look at Isak right now.  The problem is, Even doesn’t want to be looking. He wants to be touching.  Kissing. Holding. But there’s Sonja, sitting next to him, monitoring every sip of beer he takes, every movement he makes, every glance he gives.  She’s so poised and calm, chatting happily with Emma, making pointed remarks about Even’s drinking whenever she turns to him, that it twists something painful inside Even.  The idea of sticking with this cool, calm, controlled relationship for years more is depressing, and the contrast that sits vibrant and gorgeous across from him just brings it all into relief.  So Even says something ugly and her face crumples. She leaves the room on a flimsy pretext, followed awkwardly by Emma.

Even regrets hurting her, but he can’t bring himself to follow and try to appease, because it hurts  _ him, _ the way she treats him.  He’s not a fucking child and he wishes Sonja would stop acting like she’s his mother and not his girlfriend.   Still, it’s not all bad.  Isak is still sitting there.  Looking as awkward as Emma had, but still.  He’s there.

“What’s the time?” Even asks, reckless.  

He wants to do something, but he’s not sure what.  Energy is fizzing under his skin, and as soon as Sonja and Emma had left the tension in the room had dropped.  Or one sort of tension had anyway. In its place, desire is rising. That same desire to taste and touch and feel that had permeated every atom in the kitchen last week, so Even can’t help the frisson when Isak replies, “21.21.”

It feels like a sign, a new start, a chance.  So they leave, and they grab a bike, and they ride.  It’s fresh, it’s freeing. The cold wind blowing in his face, the feel of Isak’s fingers on his shoulder, the flap of his clothes around his legs, the sound of Isak’s laugh.  They all combine to lighten Even’s heart and fuel his reckless drive. He sees a house he recognizes. Another sign. There’s a pool in that house and Even can’t resist. Where better to take this boy?  Where better to hide away and finish what they started a week ago? Where better to have a genuinely new start, where Even can wash away everything to do with Sonja?

Isak’s hesitant, reluctant, sceptical.  But Even knows how to spin a good story, knows how to bring this boy along with his wildest imaginings, and he manages to at least overcome the hesitations and draw him into the basement behind him.  It’s beautiful, even more so than Even remembers. The water reflects off the roof and bounces off the walls like some sort of painting, or better yet, like a movie set. The perfect place. It may not have all the thrill of the dark mystery of Romeo’s first kiss with Juliet, but it has the same sense of peace and otherworldliness.  It’s calm, stills something that’s been racing in Even’s blood and lets him slow down.

It doesn’t take much to press at Isak, tease him, make him lose his concerns.  Soon, they’re bickering, falling into a pattern that seems both as old as time and as young as they are.  It’s somehow different in this space, or maybe it’s just the sense of occasion. Even laughs to himself. That’s a pretentious thought if ever he’s had one.  But there is a feeling tonight, promise glimmering in the air between them. There’s an inevitability to the way they fall into the water, one pushing, one pulling.  Then they speak and there’s a coded meaning behind every line.

“Did you think I had died?” (I almost did, you know.)

“Yeah I was so scared.” (I  _ am _ scared, and this is a lot.)

“Fuck you, you try it then.”  (Do you want to try something again?  Are you still with me?”)

“You challenge me?” (I’m still with you, but this is out of my comfort zone.)

And on it goes, the surface meaning light and bantery, but the deeper meaning piling weighted words up behind them until there’s a unbearable tension in the water.  That tension seeps in behind the laughter and the fun, and floats between them until Even can’t bear it. 

“Together,” he says, and finally he gets Isak under water.  Even more so than when they entered the basement, this moment closes out everything else.  It’s a game, a challenge. But it’s also so much more. It’s now or never, Even thinks. He has to do it, but the courage from the kitchen has dissipated and he feels the need to hide it behind something else.

He swims to Isak, plays the game, puts his hand on Isak’s neck (everything for a win, right?).  Between one breath and the next, Even presses their lips together (everything to win), revels in the feeling of those lips on his for one brief shining moment.  Then Even takes in the sudden, startled motion Isak makes and panics as he surfaces. It’s a game, that’s all. That’s the way to play this.

“I won,” he cheers and tries to figure out how Isak has taken it.  Even needs to know what Isak’s reaction is after the shock has worn off.  Did Even ruin it all like last time? How far does he have to play up the game, the challenge the competition?  But then he sees. It’s okay, he thinks with a relieved, joyful laugh. Isak’s playing along, but there’s a new ease in his body and a pleased excitement he can’t quite keep off his face or out of his voice.  It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.

They go under again, and this time it’s Isak.  This time, Even is pursued. This time they kiss for longer.  This time they never stop. This time, Isak saves Even. All his grandiose ideas of saving Isak from himself, back when he was still just an unknown beautiful boy across a crowded cafeteria, come back to Even.  But that’s not what happens. What happens is that right here, right now, Isak saves Even. He’d thought last year that he’d never have another chance like this one. He’d thought he’d ruined it all. But here he is, warmth blooming in his chest, electricity flowing from the fingers gripping his shoulders, lips on fire even as water pours off them.  Here he is, having it all.

The outside intrudes in the form of a small loud child, but it doesn’t matter.  Because this time, Even already has what he needs. This time, he can say for sure that every trial he’s faced has been worth it.  This time, the boy kissed him back.


End file.
